Coming up on the year

As I face the memories that led up to the day Ashley died, I am filled with grief, anger, anxiety and sadness. There are happy times, too. One thing that stood out in my head that night as I stood in the cold night and felt like I was in the middle of a CSI movie was that she had slept in my bed the night before and was very snuggly and close. It's like she was saying goodbye to me in a way that was soft and less hurtful. I had talked to her on the phone 3 times that day and she seemed ok. After I went back to work, i looked up all the e-mails that she'd sent me, usually funny, and put them in a folder to save. Anytime I see a picture of her that I don't have or haven't seen, I get excited. I am feeling as down as a person can feel today, but I know there are so many people praying for me and thinking about me and the family.