A year later

It's been a year since Ashley passed away and I've been on a mission to find a cure for EOS and to stop bullying. It was a very emotional day and the balloon release in her memory was overwhelming and awesome. There are so many wonderful people out there! Thanks to all of you! I am moving on and have the same passion as I did last year. Life has started to settle down a bit. I still have anxiety and nervousness when trying to do some of the things in life that we take fro granted. It will get better, I know. I just want to continue to help others if I can and to continue to fight against bullying.

Coming up on the year

As I face the memories that led up to the day Ashley died, I am filled with grief, anger, anxiety and sadness. There are happy times, too. One thing that stood out in my head that night as I stood in the cold night and felt like I was in the middle of a CSI movie was that she had slept in my bed the night before and was very snuggly and close. It's like she was saying goodbye to me in a way that was soft and less hurtful. I had talked to her on the phone 3 times that day and she seemed ok. After I went back to work, i looked up all the e-mails that she'd sent me, usually funny, and put them in a folder to save. Anytime I see a picture of her that I don't have or haven't seen, I get excited. I am feeling as down as a person can feel today, but I know there are so many people praying for me and thinking about me and the family.

Moving on

Today is October 5, 2010. Almost a year ago I was fighting to save my daughter's life and barely doing anything else. My whole life revolved around making sure I had the food she could eat and the nutrition she needed. I never expected the tragedy that was coming up and continued to do what I could to make her comfortable and give her happiness. Since that time. I have become very involved the the EOS world and hope to spread Ashley's story to raise awareness and research funds. I now have her headstone in place and it is beautiful! I know she would be proud. I have met so many wonderful people this past year and feel wealthy with friends. I have a future ahead of me, I just don't know what it is yet and am patient. I am taking the day off today to reflect and relax. I am going all the time, but that is the only way I can make it. Otherwise, I want to sleep all the time. Life hasn't been easy and I've made some bad decisions, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other every day.

I just found out that Ashley's headstone has been shipped. I am so anxious to see it! I know she would have picked out the same one that I picked out for her. When it arrives at the cemetary and is installed, I want to have a little celebration for her life and what her spirit has done for the EOS world. I want friends and family around me because I know it will be hard. She love clowns and balloons, and told her cousin Kayla jsut how she wanted it to be. I will follow her wishes.

The pain is still there and somedays it weighs me down. I know the headstone will give some finalization and less guilt to me for having trouble even facing the fact that I had to pick out a headstone for my only daughter and child.

Picking out a headstone for Ashley

This has been a very tough time emotionally, picking out the headstone and then choosing what I want to say on it. I can't seem to find the words that I want to say. There are too many of them and none of them say it all. I feel like I just want to lay down and go to sleep. It is harder than ever to keep going right now. I do know that this will pass, though. At least when I go to her grave now, I will feel like I haven't let her down as I did in the past because there wasn't a stone. Anyway, I'm not sure how I made it to work this week and even concentrated, but I was able to complete several projects. That tells me that I can do it, no matter how hard it is.

A huge suprise

I received a call on Friday from a Kansas City Star reporter wanting to talk to me about Ashley's life. I talked to him for an hour and mentioned apfed.org, the bullying, the fact that her disease was never diagnosed properly and she was always thrown in a psych ward. I want the article to be about Ashley, but I want to also bring to light the problem these kids face in the public school system and life in general. I also want to bring attention to the fact that too many teenagers are thrown in psych centers and from then on, they believe there is something wrong with them. Helping others is what Ashley wanted to do so I want to carry on her legacy. I hope to bring more awareness to EE and EOS and raise more money for the cause. This has given me something to REALLY look forward to!

Moving On

Well, here it is Saturday, April 10th and I can see how much better I am doing at handling the past. I've decided to get out and socialize and meet new people so my life can become more positive. Hanging on to the past is bringing me down and stopping me from living my life as I should. Going to the funeral of a friend from the past (he committed suicide) and meeting his family and seeing them grieve has opened my eyes to the fact that suicide can hit any of us or our families at anytime, unannounced. The shock seems to never go away and linger on your shoulder shouting at you. I have accepted the fact that I will never be the same, I just hope to be a much kinder and thoughtful person than I was before. I also will loosen up, relax and have fun. Life is too short and I am still full of life! I thank everyone who has supported me and my family during this tragedy of losing Ashley. She would be setting here with her beautiful eyes saying 'Mom! Go out and have fun and enjoy yourself!'